


Just to feel him again…

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, Sadie (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cumshot, Cutting, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:52:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started off innocent, a touch here and a look there. It was never anything to be worried about. Kyo always found himself coming back to where he knew he belonged and he always knew the difference between right and wrong. At the end of the day, he would leave one thing behind and go home to the one that mattered the most. But the truth was... every moment he thought he was succeeding, he was really failing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just to feel him again…

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: gothic_hime

Laughter resonated through the room, bouncing from the walls in a manner that Kyo knew could only belong to one man. A small smile crept onto his own face as he made his way down the hall and into the office. He ditched his bag on the small couch by the door and headed into the smaller room off the back of the first.

Die and Toshiya sat together, Toshiya with his bass in his lap and Die with his head propped on his hands, watching the other, a wide grin on his face. Kyo stepped into the room quietly, his eyes brighter than they had been a few moments beforehand. He settled against the edge of the table and watched Toshiya do something crazy with his bass that made Die laugh again. Something like a thrill ran though his body at the sound and he had to pull himself entirely up on the table to prevent himself from gravitating toward the other.

He supposed it was probably their past, the things that the other had done for him and the way he'd always been around when Kyo just needed someone there for him. Die never hesitated and Kyo always felt safe once he was wrapped in the other's embrace. But things had slowly changed over the years, the pair of them drifting away from what had once been as they grew older... perhaps wiser. Their little trysts in the dead of the night lessened and then stopped completely, and the longing had faded down into something as simple as friendship.

But the problem was, now, almost six years since he'd touched Die in any kind of sexual or romantic manner, Kyo found himself wanting the other again. And it was a dangerous place to be. He'd been in and out of a relationship for almost three years now, counting in the small breaks he and his partner had taken over the span of their time together. And he truly loved the other. He'd met him years back when he'd been doing roadie work for the band and he'd fallen for him within a year of meeting, something he'd never once expected to have happen.

A small frown found its way onto Kyo's lips as he contemplated his issue, knowing well that he was treading on dangerous water with even just his thoughts. He'd never once been unfaithful to Mao and now that he found his body and mind longing for another, he wasn't quite sure what to do about it. For almost three months now, he'd been trying to squash the feelings down, to deny they even existed. But the truth of the matter was, they burned brightly in his mind, dredging up fantasies and dreams in abundance, the moment Mao was out of sight.

Die cleared his throat and Kyo's head jerked up, his eyes slightly unfocused and more than a little confused. The guitarist sighed. "Off in your own world again? I asked what you thought about Toshiya's idea, but obviously you didn't even hear it."

Kyo flushed slightly and he shook his head. "Sorry. I've been... distracted." That wasn't quite the word for it, but it'd have to do.

Die's hand slid onto Kyo's knee and he squeezed it a bit. "We've noticed." He paused for a moment and then quietly added on, "Is everything okay? Like... personally, I mean?"

The vocalist's shoulders slumped and he pursed his lips for a moment before glancing at Toshiya and then sliding off the table. "No offence, Toshiya, but this is something I have to talk to Die about privately. It sort of... involves him." He gave the other a rueful glance and then departed the room, hoping simultaneously that Die would follow and that he would not. Either way led to one form of disaster or another.

The scrape of a chair told him that Die was following and Die was beside him before he even made it into the small room they tended to take their breaks in when they needed a minute away from everything else. Kyo sank down on the leather seat and toed his shoes off, pulling his feet up to rest on the front of the chair.

Die settled beside him, but not too close, giving him a mystified look. "What's going on?"

Kyo's head hit the back of the leather seat, making a soft sound and he huffed out a breathy sigh. "So much." His head lolled to the side and he stared at Die for a long moment before he finally murmured, "Do you remember when we used to... see one another?" Such a loose term. They'd never been official and yet... they sort of had been exclusive, at least on Kyo's end they had been.

Die looked a bit taken aback, but he nodded. "Couldn't forget that."

The words alone stirred certain parts of Kyo to life and he shifted in his seat, the leather creaking a bit. "Me either." _And that was the problem._ He pursed his lips at the thought and took a moment to collect himself before continuing. "I've been thinking about it more and more often lately."

The former redhead watched him with something like bemusement on his face before he chuckled and moved one leg to nudge at Kyo's foot. "Are you trying to tell me you want me again?"

Embarrassment wrote itself all over Kyo's face in a matter of a few seconds and despite the fact that wiped it off just as quickly, he knew Die would never miss that look or what it meant. His eyes closed and he rolled his head toward the ceiling once more. "Yeah... I guess I am."

Die was silent for a long moment and then he finally let out, "So are you... off... again, with Mao, then?"

The pure fact that Die even knew about Mao spoke volumes to Kyo since he'd never once said anything around the others about him. Die was just so observant that he inherently knew things the others didn't bother to learn. It was one of the things that Kyo always appreciated about Die, though, at this moment, he found himself with a slight distaste for it. He sighed again and opened his mouth, fully intending to tell the truth. But what slipped out was a complete lie. "Yeah... something like that."

Die let out a soft hum and then shifted ever so slightly closer. "Well... I'm not with anyone right now either." He cleared his throat. "So... I guess... tonight?" He left the rest unspoken, knowing Kyo would understand what the invitation was.

Kyo swallowed thickly and then gave a slight nod. "Your place?" He dared peer at the other for a moment, watching Die nod and then get up, leaving the room without another word. The moment the other was out of sight, Kyo felt the guilt wash over him. Here he was, plotting to actually cheat on his long-time lover... and why? Because his dick desperately wanted someone he wasn't in a relationship with currently. What made it worse was the fact that he was actually premeditating it. It wasn't some drunken accident or anything else. No... he just wanted a piece of Die and he was going to go and get it, all behind Mao's back.

He was, he decided, a terrible person. And yet, even as he decided that, he shot off a text to his lover, telling him he wouldn’t be home tonight, that he and the guys were drinking and thought it best to stay over the night at Die's.

To make it all significantly worse, the text he received back was so full of love and trust, not a hint of a thought that Kyo would ever do something so wrong or underhanded.

The hours seemed to drag by, all the work in the studio seeming to take forever. Kyo found himself concentrating less on the work he was doing and more on the hand of the clock as it slowly counted off the minutes until they were allowed to leave. No one called him on it, but Toshiya seemed to watch him with some sort of odd fascination. He could almost see the gears turning in the other’s head, trying to figure out what on earth Die and Kyo had talked about, plotting out all kinds of possible scenarios and then discarding the least likely ones. It was just how Toshiya was, methodical and curious to a fault.

At long last they were let go for the night, Kaoru and Shinya locking up the building together and Die, Toshiya, and Kyo taking the elevator down to the parking garage. No one spoke, though that wasn’t all that unusual. By the end of a day, they hardly had much to say to one another anymore. They just wanted to go home, rest what little they could, and come back to do it all over again in the morning. The doors slid open and Toshiya bailed out first, lifting a hand in a wave that earned a grunt from Die and a soft, “Goodbye” from Kyo.

Die made his way toward his car, Kyo trailing after him. No trains for him tonight. He supposed he was fortunate to have approached Die on a day that the other had brought his car, something he rarely did. Die unlocked the doors and slid into the driver’s seat, Kyo getting in the passenger seat and buckling up. He threw a glance at the other, studying him from under the shield of his blonde hair for a long moment before looking away again. That body… so lean and powerful, muscles built in just the right ways to drive Kyo crazy. He caught his lower lip in his mouth, a shiver ripping through him as he thought of the other naked. It’d been so long. Had Die changed? Would he find some new expanse of skin tattooed or somewhere pierced that he’d never expect? Would the other’s chest still take on that slightly pink tint when he was teased into arousal? More, would he still let out those little pleading mewls if Kyo went down on him?

He shifted uncomfortably in the seat, his blood already starting to boil in his veins. One hand slid down over his crotch, just a single brush of his hand over his arousal. It pulled a soft moan from his lips and he immediately flushed, ducking his head.

A soft chuckle came from the seat next to him. “We haven’t even left the parking space yet, Kyo. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.”

The vocalist glanced up at Die, studying the amusement written all over the other’s face as he turned to look out the back window, pulling out of the spot. His eyes slid down Die’s neck, over the prominent Adam’s apple there and then lower to the slightly exposed collarbone that it drove Die crazy when he licked. A little huff of air escaped him as it hit him how fully he _needed_ this man. It wasn’t just lust or desire anymore. It was full-on need; as if he’d die without it.

The rest of the car ride, Kyo kept his hands on his thighs, his head down, and his thoughts as clean as possible. But the truth of the matter was, he was so plagued by this that he couldn’t even begin to stop thinking the way he was. By the time they pulled into Die’s parking garage, his dick was tenting his pants in a manner that could only be described as lewd. Even knowing he’d gotten off that morning didn’t help anything, he just wanted Die so badly it was almost agonizing.

They got out of the car and Die pulled off his jacket, handing it to Kyo without a word, locking the vehicle and making his way toward the exit of the garage. Kyo took the jacket and folded it over his arms, holding it in front of him to cover his current shame. Usually he didn’t care. But to be seen sporting a huge erection, going into Die’s apartment when he was still honestly dating Mao… was not a good thing.

Crossing the street seemed to take forever, the light not cooperating with Kyo’s desperation. Die seemed far more at ease than Kyo, his hands in his pockets and his face set in that manner that told Kyo he was hiding from the world his honest thoughts for the time being. To anyone else, he just looked bored.

They proceeded through the lobby once they were on the other side of the street, and up the elevator, which was no faster than the street light had been. By the time they got inside Die’s apartment, Kyo shoved the door shut, flipping the lock and kicked his shoes off, all pretty much in one motion, Die’s jacket falling to the floor, forgotten. His hands were instantly on the other, pushing him against the wall, earning himself a grunt from Die as his back connected with the solid surface.

“Fuck, Kyo,” Die breathed out as Kyo’s hands roamed his body, feeling him up in a quick succession of all the right ways, leaving him on fire and a tiny bit confused. He’d never seen Kyo like this at all. He reeked of desperation and his actions screamed it in a way they’d never done before, not even their first time together all those years ago.

Before he could even protest, Kyo had his pants open and his dick in hand, frantically jerking him off. Die’s head hit the wall and he groaned, just letting this happen however it would. He was helpless to Kyo, knowing that the other knew his every weakness and that he would exploit them all as much as possible before they were done.

Kyo slid to his knees in front of Die, licking his lips as he stared up at the guitarist’s face, jerking his cock less than an inch from his face. He was the perfect height for this, not having to stretch up or hunch over or anything once he was on his knees in front of Die. He just settled comfortably and leaned forward, tongue darting out to swipe over the head of the other’s cock, tasting his flesh for the first time in too long. His tongue ran the length of the other, all the way to the base, flicking there for a moment before he slid back up and then engulfed the shaft in his mouth. He let out a groan around the other, bobbing his head rapidly along the guitarist’s length.

Die, for his part, did his best to not push toward Kyo, one hand going to bury itself in his own hair, tugging lightly as he began to let out little sounds of pleasure, each huff of breath containing a single-syllable sound of delight. He had never been a quiet lover and he was certain that unless someone gagged him, he never would be.

Kyo sucked him until Die thought he was going to explode, the other pulling back just before his peak and starting to jerk him off frantically, his tongue still darting out every few seconds to lap at the head, gathering the pre-cum. Die’s voice rose, his free hand wrapping in Kyo’s blonde hair, holding him in place as he strained toward his release, something about Kyo’s actions telling him he was supposed to cum right now. Just as he felt it start to hit him, he arched his hips forward enough to push the tip of his dick into Kyo’s waiting mouth, the first spurt coating the vocalist’s tongue. He pulled back out after that, watching as his cum spurted out over the other’s lips and nose, some of it dribbling over his tattooed fingers.

With a pleased groan, Die slumped back against the wall, panting for his breath as he watched Kyo go about wiping his face up, licking the cum from his fingers each time until he was mostly clean. Kyo stood up then, his gaze catching and holding Die’s as he started to move to a silent beat, hips gyrating, thighs flexing as he pulled his shirt up over his head and let it fall to the floor at his feet. Then his belt and then those jeans, sliding down over his hips and pooling at his ankles. He stopped and pinned Die with a piercing gaze before he dropped it, allowing Die’s gaze to finally wander away from his face as he pushed his boxer briefs down, the elastic waistband catching on his dick and causing it to bob as he moved it lower, revealing himself to the guitarist’s gaze.

Completely naked, he turned and walked away toward the bedroom, Die quickly removing his own clothing to follow only a minute behind him. Once he caught up, he found Kyo sprawled out on his bed, thighs spread, showing Die everything he had to offer. Rarely had he seen Kyo like this, even when they had been fucking one another. Usually the other was aggressive as fuck, yanking Die around and then claiming whatever he wanted for the night. But this Kyo was docile… waiting, almost pleading with his eyes as Die slid up on the bed.

Long, slim fingers slid up onto Kyo’s thigh, tracing some of the marks it knew by memory alone. He wet his lips as he moved in closer, shifting to catch Kyo’s mouth with his own as he settled over him, gently pressing him down against the bed with his weight. The press of Kyo’s dick against his hip caused a tiny buck of his hips before he fully settled down. His lips explored the other’s, tasting what he was so used to finding there, enjoying the newness of it mixed with the memories from so long ago.

Kyo had always been one of his better lovers, one of the ones he’d skip all others just for the chance of being with again and again. He found himself realizing he’d been missing him as well, his body already starting to respond to something so simple as being this close to the other. His mouth moved, sliding down over the other’s jaw line and then over his neck, feather-light kisses and licks going over the new tattoos as he went.

The vocalist turned to putty in the guitarist’s hands, his body shuddering and his breathing erratic as the other tortured him in all the best ways. It was this patience, this infinite slowness that drove Kyo wild in the end. He was always so abrupt and up front with his wants, but Die never stopped being that lover that would take his damn time doing whatever he felt was necessary that go around. Today, he wanted to explore every inch of Kyo with his lips and tongue, and the smaller man found that he wasn’t adverse to this at all. Rather, he liked it, all of it setting him completely on edge, pulling sounds from him that Mao could never manage.

With Mao, Kyo was quiet, serious. He would take care of business and then move on to whatever else they were doing for the day. With Die, Kyo found himself wishing it could last forever, begging and pleading with every noise he made. And even when he intended to claim Die, it was always with a vigor that he lacked with Mao. With Die it was a conquest, a desperate desire to show him just how hard he was for him and make him see how he felt the entire time. And with Mao, it was all about getting his rocks off and nothing more. Granted, he loved Mao, but it just didn’t extend into the bedroom for whatever reason. They were a perfect couple outside of it, but in it, they were bland and repetitive. A task rather than a pleasure. But Die was a firecracker and Kyo craved it for what it was.

Die tortured him for what almost felt like too long, the minutes on the clock ticking by as he avoided even remotely touching Kyo’s dick. When he finally did, his mouth pressing a soft kiss to the underside of the head, Kyo arched from the bed, a cry ripping free of his throat that he couldn’t even begin to dampen. He was on fire, his blood burning up inside his veins, and he felt like he was going to lose it completely. His mind lost track of reality, all thoughts of what was right and what was wrong evaporating into thin air. He clawed at the bedspread beneath him, finally migrating to his own body as Die’s warm mouth slid down over his length, tongue flicking over the head. Angry red lines formed behind his nails as he clawed at his chest, his hips bucking and Die not even bothering to hold him in place. The way Kyo moved under Die was aggressive, edging on violent. When he finally drew blood, he let out a scream that he was certain the neighbors wouldn’t like, the other hand smacking the bed over and over. Die just kept right on sucking him, his head bobbing faster, tongue flicking in a more direct manner to bring the other off.

Die’s finger brushed over the sensitive ring of muscle down below, circling there for a moment and then slipping in. Kyo didn’t even wonder where the lube had come from, uncaring. All he could think about was how much pleasure rocketed through his body, another scream wrenching free of his throat as he began to lose it, hips jerking harshly up against Die.

By the time he was done, he was left a sweaty, panting mess, sprawled out amongst completely wrecked covers, blood on his chest and under his nails, a look on his face that most would have described as absolutely mental. Die slid up his body, finger still working inside him, gently plunging in and out, prepping him for what was to come. He kissed over his face and then down over his chest, tongue curling over the blood of his wounds, lapping at them gently.

A second finger joined the first one, pushing in with little effort and Kyo breathed out a soft moan. Die didn’t bother with more, knowing that Kyo liked to feel incredibly full when he allowed himself to be taken. He simply snagged a condom, rolling it on as he distracted the other with a none-too-gentle kiss. They were calmer than they had been, but not by much. Sex with Die had always been like the tremulous currents that would pull you first one way and then another. While sex with Mao was like getting up in the morning, taking a piss, and brushing your teeth; practiced, to the point, and for one purpose only.

Warmth covered Kyo’s senses, Die pressing close to him, enfolding him in his arms. One hand rested at the small of his back, arm supporting Die’s weight, the other burrowed into his hair, gently caressing the nape of his neck as Die pressed himself against him, seeking the proper angle. When he’d found it, he pressed in with one solid movement, all the way to the hilt, resting there as he simply felt how it was to have Kyo surround him in such a manner. Kyo lay beneath him, body still in shock, his hands coming to loosely hold Die’s shoulders as he waited for what he knew was going to come next.

Moments ticked by, the clock on Die’s wall counting them off with a soft _tick, tick, tick_ that normally would have driven Kyo mad. But right then it was a comfort, knowing his time was spent in this man’s arms, knowing they’d plunge the depths of heaven and hell at the exact same time with their actions. And when Die began to move, Kyo’s eyelids fell closed, his breath catching in his throat at the way the other took him. There was always something reverent in Die’s touches, making Kyo feel special and ultimately more desired than he ever did anywhere else. Within the first minute his dick was already hard again, straining against Die’s belly as they rocked together, Die moving no more than an inch in and out of Kyo for the time being.

A shiver ran through Kyo’s body, one leg coming up to hook around Die’s hip, opening him up a little more to the proper angles. Die’s mouth found a patch of skin just below Kyo’s ear that he deemed worth to lavish attention on, sucking and swirling his tongue there as they slowly ramped up their joining. By the time they were going fast enough to cause labored breathing, Die was full on sucking on the area and Kyo was rocking his hips with Die’s movements, letting out the sounds Die normally would have been at each inward thrust of Die’s cock.

Die relinquished hold on that patch of skin, pushing himself up for a little more leverage, hips pistoning harshly against the other, making it obvious his pleasure was high enough he was headed for a specific goal. “Touch yourself for me,” he whispered out, his voice thick with desire, eyes piercing in the way they watched Kyo.

The vocalist didn’t even hesitate, sliding his hand down his abdomen and through the thatch of curls around the base of his cock, wrapping fingers around his length and beginning to pleasure himself for Die’s viewing delight.

Die’s reaction was immediate, his hips thrusting faster, his eyes glued to what Kyo was doing, watching himself enter the other just below, obvious satisfaction painting his face as he moved. He opened his mouth as though he were going to say something, but then quieted, never letting the words slip free. Instead his tongue slipped past his lips, wetting the slightly reddened flesh, and then slid back in, his jaw setting in such a way that Kyo knew meant he was trying to hold on long enough for him to cum first.

Kyo redoubled his efforts, jerking himself off faster, his other hand moving to tug none-too-gently at his nipple, unleashing sharp cries as Die began to drive into him at a feverish pace. Before he could even really register it was going to happen, he was spurting rivulets of cum out of over his abdomen and chest, jerking himself for all he was worth to draw it out.

Above him, Die’s rhythm completely fell apart, panting cries of Kyo’s name coming over and over again as he slammed into him so hard the bed hit the wall. When he finally stilled, he was shaking from the force of his own orgasm, his head bowed and hair obscuring his face entirely.

A few moments passed before he pulled out, quickly disposed of the condom and then rolled to the side, one hand coming up to push his hair back from his sweaty forehead. A quiet chuckle rumbled up from his chest and he shook his head a little. “Kyo?”

Kyo peered over at him, still swimming in the bliss of what had just happened, fingers lightly trailing through the mess he’d made all over himself. “Mmm?”

“Why’d we ever stop this?” Die’s voice was full of honesty and an almost childish ignorance. It held the embodiment of hope and it absolutely crushed Kyo to hear it. Everything he’d just violated came crashing down on him and he rolled on his side, pretending to be fishing around to try to find some tissues to clean up with.

A pair of boxers landed on Kyo’s hip. “Use these. I have to wash them anyway.”

Kyo took them with a wince and slid them through the mess, collecting most of it and then tossing them aside. He huffed out a little sigh and sat up, looking for all the world lost. He didn’t want to leave. He knew he couldn’t without betraying what he’d done to Mao. But he also didn’t feel right warming Die’s bed when it was all a lie.

Die’s warm hand slid down his back, over the still-new tattoo there. “Don’t leave.” This time Die’s voice held a plea, a certain sadness to it that spoke more than anything else he’d said so far. He was lonely… he’d been lonely for a while. Of that Kyo was certain.

The vocalist huffed out a soft sigh and motioned toward the bathroom. “Shower first.” Before what, he didn’t say. Before his courage broke. Before the lie became evident. Before he lost it and broke down in front of the only person who’d ever understood him when he did. Or maybe before he simply walked away.

The creak of the bed let him know Die thought that was a good enough idea. And a minute later, the shower was on, the pitter-patter of water on the tiles telling him as much. He pushed himself up and went toward the bathroom, stepping inside to find Die already in the shower, steam starting to rise over the top of the glass door into the air of the room. He opened the door and slipped inside, standing there awkwardly for a moment before Die reached out and pulled him flush against him, his hands already starting to apply shampoo to his hair. “Close your eyes,” Die purred out, Kyo just doing as he was told. This was how Die was… sweet as sugar when he wanted to be, and it was the part that had given Kyo hope at one point that he could simply become a full-blown part of Die’s life. But the other part of Die, the part that drank himself into a stupor for reasons he’d never speak of, the part that brooded in manners that were almost worse than Kyo’s own made him wary… afraid. And he’d kept his distance emotionally over the years, uncertain how they could actually fit together in more than just a sexual manner.

While Kyo stood there, Die moved from his hair to his body, washing him more thoroughly than Kyo washed himself most days. His touch was gentle, more of a caress than anything else. And when he was done rinsing him, he finished it with a kiss to the other’s shoulder and a light pat to his bottom before he went back to washing himself off. Kyo watched him, certain his shaking hands would give him away if he tried to help Die the way he’d helped him. Rather he waited until he was done and the shower was off before opening the door and stepping out on the mat, grabbing a towel and passing it to Die, then getting one for himself. He wrapped himself tightly in it and headed for the bedroom once more, Die remaining in the bathroom for a few minutes.

Kyo found his pants and pulled his phone out, setting it on the nightstand and then moved to start fixing the bed enough to get into it. He just couldn’t go home, that’s all there was to it. Besides, he’d always liked the way Die fit against him, one arm always thrown over his waist in a manner that suggested he wanted to hold onto him, but wasn’t so clingy as to make Kyo want away from it. And sometimes he’d wake up to Die’s body’s nocturnal reactions and they’d find another round of sex in it, or at least a few good minutes of grinding against one another until they fell back asleep. A part of Kyo really wished this would happen tonight. He’d always loved to be woken up to an aching cock pressing against his backside or to his own slipped between soft thighs. The thought of the one night he’d simply fucked Die’s thighs until he’d cum flitted through his mind and he smirked at the memory of spilling himself between them, painting the skin there with the evidence of his arousal, Die never even stirring until the morning, thinking he’d done it himself. Kyo had never corrected him, keeping his own little secret of how he’d sullied the other while he slept. Die had had his fair share of the same sort of thing; drunken nights in hotels years ago resulting in Kyo waking up with Die already prepping him for sex or the guitarist humping him in the middle of the night, not even bothering with taking clothing off at all. He supposed, in the end, sex with Die was always an adventure. And honestly, he wasn’t sure how they’d even stopped in the first place. It was almost an addiction on his part and he was fairly certain it was on Die’s as well, the way he’d go after him when he was allowed.

A gentle pat to his ass made him jerk out of his reverie, a soft gasp coming from his lips. Die’s warm body pressed up behind his, one hand sliding down his front to grasp at his dick through the towel it was currently tenting. “Horny again already?” A deep chuckle huffed out against his ear. “Didn’t I take care of this twice now?” The towel was pushed aside and his flesh grasped in Die’s large hand.

Kyo leaned back into the touch, hips pushing toward Die’s hand, his eyelids falling shut. “Memories,” he panted out, one hand coming to grasp Die’s wrist, just holding on as the other pleasured him. Die’s mouth was on his neck again, licking and kissing. When Kyo’s hips started bucking, Die gently pushed the other’s thighs apart with his knee, pushing the smaller man over so he had to catch himself with his hands on the bed. The towel was pushed up out of the way and Die’s warm length slid along the crack of Kyo’s ass as he continued to jerk him off.

“God you fucking make me hard,” Die breathed out, starting to work himself against the other, his hand desperately trying to bring the vocalist off as fast as he could. The sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room as Die worked on his own orgasm. Kyo came with a startled cry, cum spurting out over the bedsheets beneath him. Die let go of his dick, quickly taking hold of Kyo’s ass, pushing the globes up and together, creating a better valley for him to fuck himself in. He braced himself a little on the bed with one leg and groaned. His eyes took in everything he was doing, pleasure rocketing through him as he went about what he was doing. When he came, he pushed forward until the tip of his cock was just a the top of Kyo’s ass, painting Kyo’s lower back with his offering.

He gave a few more thrusts against him, finally smacking Kyo’s ass and then grunting as he shifted away, snatching up his towel and wiping up the mess he’d made on Kyo’s back and then cleaning Kyo’s mess as well. He chuckled softly. “God damn, Kyo… you’d think neither of us had had sex in an eternity.”

Kyo’s cheeks heated up and he nodded a little, crawling into the bed and discarding the towel, slipping down under the covers. Die followed suit, turning off the lights and then curling up around Kyo in the just the way the other had known he would.

The clock ticked off the time, _tick, tick, tick_ , an annoying reminder that their time was limited… borrowed in quite the illegal manner. And when Kyo finally drifted off to sleep, it was with shame and something very close to despair written across his face.

-

Hours later, Kyo was woken by the thump of something on top of him. Groggily, he sat up, a look of utter confusion on his face. His clothing was lying on top of him and Die stood over him, a look on his face Kyo had never seen there before. His cell phone joined the rest of it on top of him and Die shook his head a little. “You should go.”

“I… but…” he glanced at the clock, “it’s only six in the morning.” He rubbed at his eyes and looked a little hurt to be being kicked out so soon.

“He’s worried about you,” Die let out, his tone very carefully crafted to be neutral, unwavering. But his eyes betrayed everything, full of something that could only be called anguish. “Go home, Kyo.” He turned away, one hand coming up to run through his hair, a dry chuckle leaving his lips. “And next time you intend to use me… at least have the courtesy to let me know that’s what you’re doing.”

Before Kyo could even open his mouth, Die was gone and a moment later, the front door closed, leaving Kyo alone in Die’s apartment. He picked up his phone and turned it on, reading the message on the screen.

_Hope you’re feeling alright. Let me know when you’re awake and I’ll come get you. Hope you had fun tonight with the guys. Love you. – Mao_

Kyo winced and put the phone aside again, pushing his head into his hands and shaking his head. What had he done? And more, why had he done it? He really had some things to work out in his head, that was for certain. For all the fun he’d had with Die, he still felt like a terrible human being. And the way Die had looked at him made him feel even worse. He’d betrayed his friend’s trust and hurt him along the way as well. Maybe he’d given him false hope. Maybe he’d implied he wanted more than sex. He honestly wasn’t sure. But he knew for certain things would never be the way they were before. Not between him and Die… and not between him and Mao. Because for all the asshole he was, he would have to explain what he was certain was a hickey on his neck and the scratches on his chest. And he knew explaining up front would be less terrible than doing it when Mao surely wanted affection from him when he got back home.

He straightened up and put his clothing on, writing a short letter to Die and leaving it on the bed before he left the apartment, finding his own way home to his lover.

_Die,_

_I fucked up. I know I did. We’ll talk about it later. Please just give me a chance to explain._

_Kyo_

-

Kyo stood in front of Mao, his eyes full of something that could have been labeled as sadness. He didn’t hold himself quite the way he usually did, shoulders a bit slumped, eyes not quite meeting his lover’s as the other greeted him enthusiastically, hugging him and pressing a kiss to his cheek. It was all only made worse by the fact that Kyo knew he still reeked of Die. He had his cum on his back, his scent all over him, the feeling of his lips on his neck and the evidence that his mouth had been there starkly pronounced for all to see.

Swallowing thickly, Kyo removed his jacket and hung it on the hook, clearing his throat. “We need to talk.”

Mao looked rather taken aback, his eyes clouded with confusion, but he nodded anyway, following after Kyo into the living room and sitting beside him when the other sat on the couch. Their knees touched as Kyo moved to turn toward him. He didn’t bother with any of the clichés. He didn’t take his hands or try to start out with an apology. He just delivered it bluntly to the other, certain that any sugar coating wouldn’t help anyway. “I fucked around with Die last night. It was my fault, not his. I lied to him… told him I wasn’t with anyone.”

Mao sat there in silence for a minute, looking shocked and then hurt. “How… why?” he asked shakily. “Do I not give you enough?”

Kyo shook his head a little. “Don’t blame yourself. I told you… years ago, we used to screw around. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately. I had to get it out of my system. It wasn’t something I planned. I just opened my mouth and asked him if we could again.” He sighed. “He asked if I was with you and I said no. But this morning when you texted me… he saw it first. Kicked me out.”

“I would have, too.” Mao sighed, sitting back on the couch and crossing his legs, one over the other. “You don’t lie to your friend and then sleep with them. I bet he’s livid.” It was so typical, Mao pushing his own feelings aside and focusing on Die’s instead. “You should talk to him. Tell him you’re sorry… because you damn well better be. Using him like that is bullshit, Kyo. I mean… it’s one thing if you want to be with him. It’s another if you were really just fucking him for nothing other than the sex.”

Kyo pursed his lips, his hands fidgeting in his lap. “I don’t… I don’t know why I did it, to be honest.”

Mao’s eyes closed. “Do you still love me?”

Kyo hesitated to answer, studying him for a moment to see if the right answer was the truth or not. After a moment he gave up. “Yes.”

“And do you love him?”

“In a way. He’s like family.”

Mao snorted. “Family you fuck?”

Kyo winced and looked back down at his lap again. “I deserved that.”

“No… what you deserve is for me to kick you out on your ass. What you deserve is both me and Die to hate you for what you’ve done. What you deserve is to go rot in fucking hell with the rest of the assholes on this planet that cheat and lie.” He let out a bitter laugh. “But the problem is… I need you too much. And I’m enough of a fucking pushover to let you stay in my life if it’s where you think you want to be. But you are damn well not touching me until you’ve been tested. God only knows what you did last night and I do _not_ , under any circumstances, want to know the details.”

Kyo swallowed thickly and nodded a little. “Die’s clean… we all are… but I’ll go anyway, for you.”

Silence stretched out between them until Kyo finally mumbled, “You have a freebie now. Whoever you want. I won’t be mad. I won’t ask questions.”

He let out a gasp as a slap landed across his cheek, eyes watering from the force of it. Mao stood over him, seething with anger. “Don’t you fucking _dare_. You cannot trivialize what you’ve done by telling me I can go do whatever I want. Because, newsflash, I’m already doing what I want!” He pointed one finger in Kyo’s face. “You, you asshole!”

Somehow Kyo felt more at ease now that Mao was angry with him. It felt more like how it should have been going and he didn’t even try to back up from it, just taking it. His cheek stung and he found himself glad for the pain.

Mao stood there, breathing heavily and glowering down at Kyo for quite a while before he turned away in disgust. “And have some fucking sense. Don’t let the person you’re cheating with fucking mark you all up. I don’t even want to see you until the evidence is gone. I can’t stand to look at it.”

Kyo just nodded, lowering his head.

“No, I mean it. Get out. Until the evidence is gone. Get out. Go find a fucking hotel or beg Die to let you stay. I don’t care. I will not see you with this shit reminding me all the time of what you’ve done.” By the end of his speech, Mao was already most of the way out on the patio. He slammed the door shut and stood there, arms wrapped around himself, shaking, his head bowed.

Kyo knew he was crying. But he said nothing… did nothing. He wasn’t in a position to do so. Instead, he went and packed up a bag with clean clothing and necessary items. He changed clothes as well and stuffed those in the washer, turning it on and then left without a word. Once he was on the street, he pulled out his phone and dialed Die’s number.

The other picked up on the third ring. “Fuck off, asshole,” were the only words he got before the line went dead, the screen flashing that the call had been ended.

Sighing, he tried Shinya instead. Toshiya had family over and Kaoru would strangle him for even being in this position in the first place. The drummer picked up rather quickly and sighed into the phone. “I’ve already heard what you did. I don’t approve, but I imagine you’re calling for a reason, so out with it.”

“I need a place to stay for a few days. Or at least someone to talk to for a while.” He grimaced at the end of the sentence, flagging down a taxi and slipping into it. “Can I come over?”

“Fine. We’ll see if you can stay or not… but we can talk at least.” The call ended and Kyo gave the directions to the taxi driver.

-

Five stories up, Mao stood on the balcony, watching Kyo get into the taxi. One hand was pressed over his mouth, the other wrapped around his middle. Tears still slid down his face, betrayal written all over his features.

He had decisions to make, ones that weren’t built on snap judgments. It broke his heart to watch Kyo leave like that, but it broke him more to know what the other had done behind his back.

Shinya opened the door to find Kyo on the other side of it. He let the vocalist in and shook his head at him, sighing quietly. “You’re a fool,” he informed him as he made his way back toward the living room, not even bothering with a formal greeting of any kind. “You’ve ruined two, maybe three lives with one decision. So… for your own defense, I hope your reasoning was worth it.”

Kyo followed along behind him, leaving his bag in the entry way along with his shoes. He curled up in the huge armchair Shinya always let his guests use, tugging his legs up in front of himself and looping one arm over them in a lazy sort of fashion. “I don’t know… I couldn’t stop thinking about Die. The more I’d try, the more often I’d think about him. I meant to stay away from him, but I just opened my mouth and asked him if we could see each other last night.” He lowered his gaze to the floor, ashamed of the next part. “I lied to him and told him I wasn’t with Mao. But this morning he saw the text from him… and he’s pissed.”

Shinya slid one slim leg over the other and placed his hands neatly on top. “Wouldn’t you be?” He held up one slim finger. “Think about it, Kyo. If someone flat-out lied to you, got you in bed… you had amazing sex, and then you found out they’d lied and you just became the other half of a cheating pair, wouldn’t you be angry?”

Kyo made a face. He would be. In fact, he’d be livid because he’d been a part of the cheating and hadn’t even known it. So he had to understand where Die was coming from on that one.

“Because now Die’s to blame as well for what happened… and he had no way of knowing you were lying to him. He feels like utter shit, I hope you know.”

Kyo pushed his hands through his hair and tugged on it a little. “I fucked up. I know I did. I hurt everyone involved, including myself.” He pursed his lips and shook his head, letting out a bitter sounding laugh. “Worst part? The sex was still worth it.”

“How can you even say that?” Shinya asked, a look of pure disbelief on his face. “Kyo… think about what you’re saying!”

“I know exactly what I’m saying. I love Mao… I really do. But he can’t give me what Die does out of sex. With Mao it’s like… combing your hair. You do it this way and that’s how it’s done and it’s because you need to, not because you want to. But with Die it’s this huge thing where I mean the world and I’m the center of the universe right alongside him the entire time. He’s gentle and yet, just rough enough. And he knows my every desire before I even have to say it. Sex with Die is perfect.”

Shinya was silent for a long time before he finally sighed. “So, then, I have a few questions you need to think about and answer completely honestly. First, you say you love Mao. But the sex is… for lack of a better term… terrible. Do you think you could work on the sex with him and make it what it is with Die?”

Kyo shifted a little and then shook his head. “I’ve tried. We’ve been together for years now and I’ve tried over and over. We just can’t connect there for some reason. I think sex is less of a joy and more of a chore to him. I mean… we both get off, but it’s not… satisfying.”

“Have you told him that?”

“No.” Kyo scrunched up his nose in distaste. “That’s just not something you tell your lover.”

“Yes, well, most people don’t solve that problem by sleeping with their friend instead, either, Kyo.” Shinya never had been gentle about how he delivered things to Kyo and right then Kyo needed that. While it annoyed him, it was also why he’d come to Shinya out of the options.

“Point taken. But, no… and I won’t. Because if everything else I’ve tried hasn’t worked, that won’t either. Just trust me on that.”

“Elaborate,” Shinya all but demanded instead.

“I’ve tried telling him what I like. I’ve tried showing him porn of what I like and then asking him to do it. But it’s still so… forced… mechanical. You tell Mao you like to be adventurous and – hell, I don’t know – get a blowjob in somewhere public, the next day he’ll do just that. But the whole thing is forced. You can tell he’s not enjoying it, that he’s too nervous. He works only for getting me off and not because it’s fun or even pleasurable. Once I’ve cum it’s like rocket science to try to get him to even let me do anything in return. When I do, he just lays there and takes it until he’s done. But it’s so… emotionless… like he’s detached from his body mentally while it’s happening.”

“To me it sounds like there are other problems at work there. Something in the past maybe… but it just doesn’t sound like a normal occurrence.”

Kyo nodded a little. “But with Die… it’s like the universe is in front of us and we try to explore it all every single time. His emotions are in it and so are mine. When he kisses me, it’s like he means it. When he gets me off, it gives him as much as it gives me. And when I do things for him, he enjoys them and responds to them in an enthusiastic manner. If I told Die I wanted a blowjob in public, he’d wait three weeks and then slam me against a wall somewhere and have my dick in his mouth before I could even protest. And more than likely, I’d end up with his in my mouth before we were done. He’s… exciting. I want to have sex with him. And it’s never enough. I could have sex with him all day and all night and still crave more from him.”

Surprisingly, Shinya managed to keep his face neutral at all the information. He just nodded a little and then crossed his arms over his chest. “The second question is this. Do you love Die? Even in the slightest? And if you do, then how?”

Kyo looked surprised, his head jerking up to stare at Shinya, his lips parted and his heart racing. His knee-jerk reaction was to say he didn’t, to be shocked and maybe appalled at the idea of loving two people at once. But he let the question really sink in, knowing Shinya had his reasons for asking everything he ever did. He shifted around in the seat a few times, debating in his mind.

He cared about Die, quite a bit, actually. When the other was sick, he would care for him without a second thought. And when Die was upset, Kyo was always around to see if he was needed to talk to or if he could do anything for him. And really, Die had always been the same with him. He’d let things go for a while because he knew it was just how Kyo was, but when it went on too long, he’d ask… just as he had yesterday.

Kyo thought of how he’d feel if Die were pulled out of his life completely and he found he’d be crushed. Not at the loss of a friend, but at the loss of one of the closest people in his life. Maybe he couldn’t call it love, but what he had with Die was special beyond words. It was understanding, caring, allowance, a gentle balance of give-and-take… and it was something he’d just ripped a giant hole in with what he’d done.

His face became a mask of internal pain, his arms slipping down around his waist to hold himself against the weight of his emotions. He didn’t even open his mouth to reply, too afraid of what would come out.

“That’s what I thought.” Shinya got up and came back a minute later with a bottle of iced green tea. He handed it over to Kyo and ran a hand through his blonde hair before going to sit back down where he had been before. “You have a decision you have to make Kyo… and no one in this can make it except you. You have to work on one relationship or the other. You can’t have both and whichever one you’re leaving behind, you need to cut those ties as much as you can. I am not saying to leave the band or anything like that. In fact, if you do, I will hunt you down and string you up by your balls. But you’ll need to make it perfectly clear where the lines are and then never, ever cross them again if it’s Die you decide to cut loose.”

Kyo nodded a tiny bit, sipping from the bottle he was given. He had a lot to think about and he knew it.

Shinya got up and went to get Kyo’s bag from the foyer. “You can stay here. But mind you, the entire time you are here, you will not contact either of them unless they contact you first. Is that clear?”

Kyo nodded a little.

“Give me your cell phone and charger and go get some sleep. You look like hell.”

The vocalist handed over his phone and went to dig out his charger, handing that over as well and then climbing into the guest bed and falling asleep almost instantly.

-

Die sat at one of his favorite bars, knowing well it was midday and he looked like a horrible alcoholic for already being in here. He was on his fifth beer and he looked like someone had told him his mother had died. His eyes were red-rimmed from the tears he’d rather not have shed at all, most of them out of anger, but a few out of pure emotional agony. He was pale from the lack of food and the alcohol was already hitting him hard enough that he was barely maintaining a vertical position in his chair.

His usual bartender was throwing him worried glances, trying to ply him with water and failing each time. Die only wanted to find that place where he would end up sicker than he’d ever been. He wanted the pain of it, the pure agony of throwing up until there was nothing to throw up anymore and still doing it. He wanted to be so sick he’d forget all else but that. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it and it surely wouldn’t be the last.

-

Mao sat in the living room, his decision made and his mind still having trouble wrapping around it. He knew he’d never look at Kyo the same way again and it hurt him to know that. He’d see him as yet another in a long line of assholes in his life, and he couldn’t bear the thought of having to place one who’d been so dear to him in that spot. Part of him knew why Kyo had done it, knew from the get-go that he’d never be able to be the lover that Kyo needed or wanted. He’d just never expected Kyo to cheat on him because of it. He’d expected fights and Kyo to leave him one day, but not this.

In the morning, he would pack his things and leave. In the morning, he’d tell Kyo of his decision and hope it wouldn’t break the other into pieces.

-

Die sat in the bathroom floor of his apartment, his arms looped over the toilet bowl as he threw up for what felt like the hundredth time. He’d drank until it was pitch black outside and somehow found his way home in the pouring rain. The puddle under him was purely that of rain water, all of him drenched to the bone. He wanted a warm shower, but he couldn’t even stop throwing up for more than two minutes at a time and the thought of cleaning the shower after was too unappealing to him.

He flushed the toilet and leaned his head on his arm, a quiet sob wracking his body. He felt used… betrayed. The truth was, he’d always wanted to be a part of Kyo’s life in more than just a sexual manner. And when he’d said he wasn’t with Mao, Die had seen a ray of hope. He’d given him his all the night before in an attempt to let him know how he felt without having to say it. And to have bared himself like that to the other only to find out he’d been helping Kyo cheat on Mao was a shocking blow to him and everything he stood for.

For all the mistakes Die had ever made in his life, he’d never cheated on anyone and never been a part of someone cheating on their loved one… until now. And it crushed him like nothing else ever had.

-

Kyo’s phone rang and Shinya picked it up, pressing it to his ear. “Shinya speaking. I have taken Kyo’s phone from him. Who is calling?”

Mao shifted nervously, the couch creaking under him. He was surrounded by boxes that were mostly packed, a few of his friends having come over to help him. “Er… it’s Mao.”

“Do you want to speak with him or should I give him a message?”

“Just… tell me… is he okay?”

Shinya closed his eyes and huffed out a soft sigh. “He’s Kyo. More importantly, what about you?”

He didn’t even think about the words before they came out of his mouth. “I’m leaving.” After they were out, he sat there, feeling awkward and a bit lost. “I need to tell him I’m leaving.”

“I see.” Shinya stood, taking the phone to the other room and knocking on the door that had remained closed since he’d sent the occupant there. When it was opened, Kyo looked maybe worse than he had when he’d gone in. He looked sickly and he smelled about as bad. Shinya knew the routine well enough to have expected it. It was part of the reason he’d not bothered him. The coppery scent of blood was on the air with the undertone of acid that could only mean one thing. He handed the phone over. “I want it back when you’re done and…” he glanced into the room, “the air freshener is on the back of the toilet. For the love of god, use it.”

Kyo took the phone and pressed it to his ear, his voice hoarse, “Hello?”

“Kyo… it’s Mao. I um… I need to tell you something.”

Kyo sat down on the bed, one shaking hand sliding up under his shirt to itch, nails digging at the flesh there more than he actually intended to, his body numb to the pain at this point. “You’re leaving… aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

Mao sat there, trying hard not to cry, knowing that tone in Kyo’s voice, knowing what it meant. Kyo tended to get very lost in himself and be so in tune with everything outside of him when he did, that it was almost creepy. “I am. I… I love you, but I can’t do this. I’ll know what you did every time I look at you and it’ll break me.”

“I know.” He wished he could tell him he was sorry, but he wasn’t. He wanted to tell him he wished he’d stay, but he didn’t. “Find someone worthy of you,” he told him instead, not knowing what else to say.

There was a moment of hesitation and then, “Please… do me a favor… at least apologize to Die. He didn’t deserve what happened.” The call disconnected a moment later and Kyo was left staring at the phone for a while before he got back up and put the phone in the hallway, closing the door again.

He moved to go to the bathroom, getting the spray as Shinya had wanted and making the air less terrible to smell. Stripping off his shirt again, he stared at himself in the mirror, disgusted with what he saw. But he was thankful that there wasn’t any shows anytime soon with the way he was looking right then. He stepped into the shower and watched the water turn pink as it flowed down the drain. Methodically, he went through the steps, cleaning himself and then getting out and disinfecting the wounds.

Coming back out into the bedroom, he found the blood-stained sheets changed and his old clothing missing. His phone was on the bed and on top of it was a note in Shinya’s scrawled handwriting.

I’ve been trying to reach Die all day. He won’t answer. Call him. If he doesn’t reply, then come out and we’ll go find him.

He sighed softly and picked up the phone, dialing Die’s number. It rang until it went to voicemail and Kyo tried a few more times, finally giving up and coming out of the room, running a hand through his still damp hair. “He won’t pick up,” he mumbled once he was in the kitchen, behind Shinya. The drummer pointed at the food on the table. “Hurry up and eat a little. I’ve packed one for Die.” He left the room then, coming back in a few minutes later with Kyo’s bag.

“Kicking me out?” Kyo asked quietly. “Not a chance. But given that your house is now yours… if Die has done what I think he has, then you might want to play babysitter for a while. Thought you might want your stuff if that’s the case.”

Kyo nodded a little and sighed softly, finishing the few pieces of sushi and the small cup of miso that Shinya had given him. Once he was done, he went to get his shoes and jacket, accepting the bag containing Die’s food.

The drive over was uneventful, neither of them talking much. Kyo knew how they would probably find Die and he had little hope it wasn’t the case, knowing Die’s habits. He steeled himself against the possibility he’d find the other passed out in his own excretions, something he’d managed far more than once since he’d known him.

They parked next to Die’s car and got out, both of them making their way across the street and Kyo felt a pang, remembering the last time he’d made this trek he’d been about to commit one of the worst sins imaginable. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his head bowed as they went into the building. He pursed his lips a little and when the elevator opened, he fished out his set of keys, finding Die’s spare on his ring and went to the door, knocking. They waited for a little over a minute and then unlocked the door and entered the apartment. Kyo kicked off his shoes and left the package with the food in the foyer, making his way down the hall toward Die’s room.

He pushed open the bedroom door and made a face at the putrid smell coming from the other side. “Oh god,” he hissed out. He braved in further, sighing softly as he found the bathroom door ajar. Opening the door all the way, he found something a little different from what he’d expected. Die was, indeed, passed out, but he was in the shower in about half state of undress, one shoe off, his pants opened, and one arm out of his shirt, as though he’d been trying to focus enough to get in the shower to wash. He was entirely wet, which Kyo couldn’t blame on the shower, because it did not appear to have been used.

Die’s phone lay on the floor outside of the shower, the red LED blinking to let him know he had missed calls. Kyo stepped back out. “Shin?”

The drummer peered into the room and winced. “Are you going to fix this?”

Kyo nodded a little. “Just… stick around close in case he wakes up and decides to punch my fucking lights out, yeah?” He sighed and rubbed his head. “Let him get a good one in first though… I deserve it, at the least.” With that, he made his way back into the room, taking off his shirt and putting it aside on the counter. He added his pants, leaving him in his boxers and then he crouched down next to Die, emptying the guitarist’s pockets and sliding things across the floor to join his phone, making sure to keep a path to the toilet, knowing already what was going to happen when Die woke up.

He then finished removing his shirt and other shoe, then his socks, tossing them all in the doorway for Shinya to deal with. His pants went next, with some amount of difficulty and a bit of cussing on Kyo’s part. Kyo debated, finally making sure to keep the door open and be as small of an obstruction as possible, shaking the guitarist roughly. “Die… wake up.” Die didn’t even budge, just snorted a little, his head hitting the wall behind him.

Kyo sighed and reached up, flipping on the cold water for a second or so and then getting out of the way. Die startled into wakefulness, looking shocked, then a bit pissed, and then green. Kyo winced and huddled back as Die lurched up from the floor and stumbled his way to the toilet, barely making it before throwing up. He collapsed on the floor, shaking quite a bit as he heaved over and over, nothing really coming up after the first time.

Tears formed in Kyo’s eyes, the sight something he’d never liked to see happen in the first place. But it being all his fault made it so much worse on him and he felt that pang in his heart that told him he was lying to himself if he didn’t think he was at least a little in love with the guitarist. He got a glass of water and urged Die to sit up and drink it. “Here… it’ll give you something to throw up… it hurts less.”

Die took it in a shaking hand, chugging it down and then a moment later throwing it right back up. The process repeated itself for a few more minutes before Die swayed and almost blacked out again. But Kyo grabbed him and held him against him. “We’re going to shower, Die. You’re freezing.”

Die slurred something out that wasn’t even coherent and Kyo winced, catching half a cussword in it and knowing it was directed at him specifically. “I suck. I’m a terrible person and I know that. But it doesn’t change that I care about you.” He flushed the toilet and then tugged him up and toward the shower. With much effort, he got Die’s boxers off and then his own, tossing them aside and turning on the water, this time to warm. He cradled Die against him, making the water hotter until the guitarist stopped shaking in his arms. He washed him the way Die had washed him the night before, scrubbing away all the other had done to himself the night before.

Once they were done, he moved to get Die dry first, walking him out to the bed and helping him sit down. “Do you feel like you’re going to be sick again?” he asked quietly, receiving a headshake as a reply. “Okay, good.” He left him there to go get dried off and his boxers back on. Coming back out, he took a hand towel to Die’s hair, scrubbing at it until it was remotely dry. When he was done, he sat there awkwardly for a moment. “Shinya made you food. You need food and water, no matter how it ends for your stomach, Die.”

The guitarist just nodded, the role familiar by now. He and Kyo had played this out so many times it wasn’t even funny, though usually it was not Kyo who had caused it. Kyo dug around in Die’s drawer and grabbed a pair of red flannel pajama pants. He helped the other get into them and then slid an arm around his waist, helping him up and toward the kitchen, Die’s walking still not in a straight line, though at least he didn’t reek of booze now.

Die went to the kitchen sink and Shinya handed him a paper cup with mouthwash in it and a glass from the cabinet. He rinsed his mouth out and then went to sit down, sighing softly and closing his eyes for a moment. “M’head hurts,” he slurred out, spurring Kyo into racing off to go dig in his bathroom for meds.

Shinya put the plate of food in front of him and a trash can next to him just in case. He’d dealt with him on the times Kyo wasn’t around and he knew well enough where it could lead. “Eat, Die. Kyo’s getting the pills.”

The guitarist started to eat his soup, enjoying that part at least, liking the warmth as it slid down his throat. That, and miso was always his favorite. Kyo came back in with a couple of aspirin, handing them over to Die, who took them promptly, going back to his soup and mostly ignoring everyone other than that for the time being.

Once he was done, he pushed the bowl away and sat back with his water, looking a little less terrible. He glanced at Shinya and then at Kyo, who was giving him a look that expressed he was honestly sorry, without him having to say a word. Die heaved a sigh and then mumbled, “You can leave him, Shin… I think we need to talk.”

Shinya nodded and came around to pat Die fondly on the back. “I won’t be far away, you know that. Call me if you need me. By the way, your clothing is in the laundry, move it to the dryer in a bit.” He picked up his container and left the room without another word.

When Shinya was gone, Die glanced over at the vocalist, eyeing him for a long moment. “Well?”

Kyo sighed, leaning forward on the table. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot and I know sorry doesn’t cut it, but I… as stupid as it sounds, I had my reasons. I just didn’t work them out until now.” He waved his hand a bit before letting it fall to the table with a thump. “I’m the biggest asshole on the planet. I should never have lied to you and I should never have cheated on Mao. I regret that I hurt both of you with my actions. If I’d thought it through, then I would have realized that no matter my feelings for Mao… I just wasn’t happy with him. And more, I should have realized that for me to do something so atrocious, that I had to have stronger feelings for you than just wanting a good lay.” He huffed out a little sigh and rubbed his head. “I missed you… I missed the way you deal with me, the way you look at me, and hold me. I missed… us. I know there was never an official ‘us’, but you know what I mean... I hope.”

Die watched him the entire time, his eyes dark as he stared into Kyo’s eyes as long as the vocalist would allow. Once he was sure Kyo was done, he shook his head a little bit and pursed his lips, debating what to say. After a moment, he just held up his finger and got up, leaving the room and closing the bedroom door.

Kyo winced, getting up to go wash the dishes, knowing he was better off not hearing what Die was doing for the moment. By the time the other came back out, Kyo had washed, dried, and put away all the dishes that had been in the sink.

Die pointed at the living room and then went in that direction, picking up his water to take with him. He settled on the couch and flopped a wet cloth over his eyes, head resting on the back of the couch. “You’re right… you are an asshole,” he commented. “You didn’t even take mine or Mao’s feelings into account before you acted. I’m certain you broke his heart pretty damn well and I know you hurt me enough to do this.” He shrugged a little. “But you’re here… helping me… which perplexes me a bit, to be honest. Shouldn’t you be begging him to keep you, to forgive you for what you did?”

“He kicked me out because I had… evidence of our encounter. Then he called me earlier to tell me it was over. I hurt him beyond repair and… to be honest… I have realized I can’t deal with a relationship in which I felt like I was taking advantage of him every single time we had sex.” Kyo came to sit next to Die finally, keeping his distance a little at least. “But… with you… I’ve never felt like that. I always feel…” he swallowed, not sure he should say it, a perplexed look on his face.

Die snorted and let out a sort of gurgling laugh. “Cared about? Loved?” He took the cloth off his eyes. “Maybe you should open your fucking eyes, Kyo. Even years ago, I cared about you as more than some random-ass fuck buddy.” He gave him a serious look. “You know I don’t just fuck around unless I’m completely trashed and it’s an accident. And last time I checked, I only fucked you twice when I was hammered. And both of those were very on purpose.”

Kyo stared at him, his mouth open in slight shock. After a moment, he shook it off. “Why didn’t you tell me back then?” he asked softly.

“You wouldn’t have accepted it.” Die told him in such a matter-of-fact manner that it was impossible to argue with.

And really, Kyo knew it was the truth, he would have discounted it as being an infatuation and brushed it off. “Fair enough,” he mumbled softly, licking his lips a little.

They sat there in silence for quite a while, Die having put the cloth back over his eyes. When the guitarist spoke up after a while, it wasn’t quite what Kyo expected. “So… I guess if you were kicked out and he’s packing, you’re here for a while, huh?”

Kyo swallowed a little. “If you’ll have me. Otherwise, I can go find a hotel. Please… don’t feel obligated,” he murmured softly.

Die sighed. “You may have hurt me, but it means a lot that you’re here and not over there right now. I’ll learn to deal with it.” If there was one thing that alcohol always did to Die, it was make him incredibly blunt. “So, yes, you’re welcome to stay here. But… I mean… I don’t have a nice guest room or anything, so you’re stuck either in my bed with me or on the couch.”

The vocalist let out a laugh. “Die… I just cheated on my boyfriend with you. I don’t think I have a problem sleeping in the same bed as you.”

Die pulled the cloth from his eyes and gave him the tiniest hint of a smirk. “Well… I don’t know about you, but I did not sleep. Therefore, I’m going to bed. Join me… stay up… it’s up to you.” He pulled himself up from the couch, plodding back toward the bedroom, sort of dragging his feet along the way.

Kyo followed him, crawling into bed and holding up the covers for Die, tucking them both in once the guitarist was settled. This time he put his arm around Die’s waist, curling up behind him and holding him close. It was the opposite of what he was used to, but it somehow didn’t feel any less right than usual.

Before Kyo drifted off to sleep, he managed one single ray of hope, realizing that maybe… just maybe… they had a chance.

The End


End file.
